Looking Out the Well

Silence as a writer builds up. As it builds up, its paralyzing. The last two years have made it worse. Even though I felt things welling up inside me to write, I stayed silent. I was scared, and there were voices that were already saying what I was feeling. So, I figured I didn’t need to just be another voice. I could just listen and be encouraged that someone else was stepping up to the plate. In some ways, I was content to watch from the sidelines. However, I still felt like my silence was somehow wrong.

In regards to racial division and injustice in America, silence has been regarded as being complicit. That really hurts to think about. As the silence grows longer, it feels more damning and more shameful. There’s this problem that I thought was better, but with the invention of smartphones and social media, the hidden is now laid bare.

What has also been earth shaking is that social media has also revealed the state of so many of our hearts and the outlook isn’t good. I had to mute so many hate-filled posts on Facebook for my own mental health. For me, it wasn’t about just creating a safe bubble. I had to take care of myself if I spent any time on the platform, and even then I still had to take long breaks from it. I don’t open Facebook nearly as much as I used to because it has become pretty toxic. However, for many it is a necessary evil to stay in touch with friends and family. I miss the days of goofy pictures and people talking about the cool socks they just bought.

This is my confession – those first couple of weeks of the pandemic I felt a renewed desire to write and bring some hope into a world that felt like it was falling apart. I quickly became paralyzed by fear and shame. The fear caused me to not take chances and write things that needed to be written about. Then, the shame kicked in for my silence. I submit that there were and are good things about being silent. Being silent means you are able to listen to other voices. You are able to hear the pain and the hurt. You can begin to understand a reality that doesn’t just live within your own little head. However, there comes a point where silence has gone on long enough, and I think for me I let it go too long.

Too many days when I felt the tug to write or to read, I settled for tech videos on YouTube. So much so, that well has pretty much dried up. I’m grateful it dried up. It doesn’t give me an excuse anymore. I’ve been consuming content for long enough, it’s time to start creating it again.

I write this all as a kind of jolt to my system. For me to get back into writing and creating I need to just write. I need to move past the paralysis of my shame and fear and back into trusting God.

Beyond my struggle with writing there is a common issue: shame shuts us up. It keeps us silent and makes us feels separate from all that is good within and outside of ourselves. Again, I think of that old story of the Garden of Eden. After Adam and Eve did the one thing that they weren’t supposed to, they hid. God came looking, inviting them back into relationship with Him. However, their shame won this battle as when they finally came out of hiding they blamed each other and the spiritual being that tempted them. They were present but still hiding. Adam and Eve didn’t just use fig leaves to try and cover themselves: they also used lies and excuses.

It reminds me of being found out when I was a child, and then lying about it. I got in more trouble lying than I would have if I was just honest. It’s because lies hurt. At their core, lies communicate distrust. Kids don’t think of that when they lie, they just don’t want the consequences. I don’t know if Adam and Eve thought of that, either. However, if God is love, like John wrote (1 John 3:10), then how would it feel to be lied to? How would it feel for someone to question your own goodness?

God is good. He’s trustworthy. He loves us. He came and died for us. He is love as love is meant to be. If this is true, then it’s safe to say we can be bold and be truthful about who we are, both the good and the bad. If we respond to His, “Where are you,” with, “Here I am,” instead of, “I hid because I know you to be a harsh master,” there is a supernatural freedom to be had. More than that, there is relationship with the Creator of all things good.